Domestic violence is the intentional and presistent physical, emotional or sexual abuse of a woman and her children, in a way that causes pain, distress or injury and can lead to loss of life.
Any woman can experience domestic violence, regardless of her age, race, nationality, social class, sexuality, disability, marital status or religious belief.
Domestic violence is a crime.
Domestic violence takes many forms. It includes:
physical violence (eg. nipping, slapping, punching, burning, throwing objects, kicking, attempting murder, actual murder)
emotional abuse (eg. undermining, blaming, being nice/nasty, negative messages, isolation, public embarrassment)
financial abuse (eg. with-holding money, forced into debt, forced to be responsible for all money)
sexual abuse (eg. attempted rape, rape, use of objects, denied sex, forced into group sex).
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Are you experiencing domestic violence?
Women do not always want to admit they are experiencing domestic violence, or perhaps not even know what it is. Often they will blame themselves for what is happening in their relationship. You are never to blame for the treatment you receive from an abusive partner. There are no excuses and no explanations for domestic violence.
Does your partner:
- Criticise you, mock you, shout at you
- Humiliate (embarrass) you and put you down in front of others
- Threaten you
- Make you believe that things are your fault
- Control your money
- Keep you away from friends and family
- Hit you or use other types of physical violence
- Force you to have sex
- Lie to you
- Damage your possessions or injure your pets
- Make you afraid that you will do or say something wrong
- Accuse you of being unfaithful
- Threaten/abuse your children
- Threaten to take your children away or call social services?
(This list is not exhaustive)
Do you feel frightened, intimidated, trapped?
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What you can do
If you fear or experience physical, emotional or sexual abuse, it is important to:
Talk to someone about the situation
Talk to a friend or relative, or contact Women’s Aid. There are many Women’s Aid groups in Ireland and the UK. Belfast and Lisburn Women’s Aid is one of them. We provide confidential support and information. You can talk to someone at our Support and Resource Centre, in your own home, or in a safe place in your community. Our workers will help you look at your options for safety, accommodation, support through the legal system, and contact other organisations that can provide relevant support for your particular situation.
Memorise or make a list of emergency telephone numbers of people you trust and who can help you in an emergency, including the police exchange number (028) 90 650222, and the Women’s Aid helpline number 0800 9171 414.
Talk to your children about what is happening. Information about children and domestic violence is available in the next section of this website.
Put together a plan in case you need to leave in a hurry
- Try to save some money for bus or taxi fares
- Have an extra set of keys for your house/car
- Store important papers eg. birth certificates, passports, medical cards etc in a safe place
- Take enough clothes for you and your children, as well as the children’s favourite toys
- Keep a note of the family’s essential medicines
- Know where you want to go
- Try to leave with all the children
Trust your instincts (gut feelings)
If you think you are in immediate danger, you probably are. Leave as soon as possible and go to a safe place.
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Children and domestic violence
Each year hundreds of children stay with their mothers in Women’s Aid refuges throughout Northern Ireland. Violence in a family cannot be hidden from children, even if mothers try to protect their children from it.
Many children are physically present during a violent assault on their mother. There has been a large amount of study carried out which proves this. Hughes (1992) showed that 90% of children were in the same or next room when violence was occurring. Studies show that even if children do not directly witness the violence, in the majority of cases they are still aware it is occurring. They can be aware of the mood or sense of fear in the home.
When a violent attack is occurring within the family, for many children an immediate and natural reaction will be to try to protect either their mother or their brothers or sisters.
Becoming a weapon of the violence
In many families, children are used by the male partner to further the abuse of their mother. For a woman experiencing domestic violence, the fear of losing her children is very real. This fear may be increased by her partner telling her that if she does decide to leave, she will lose her children. For many women this is enough of a reason to stay in such a relationship. Often a woman will be challenged in her role as a mother by the abuser, calling her useless, unfit or uncaring.
Possible effects of domestic violence on children
Being caught in the middle of domestic violence may have negative effects on a child. Conflict in the home is one of the highest stress factors in a child’s life. It is important to remember however, that every child’s experience of this conflict will be different. The way children are affected by the violence depends on:
- The force of the abuse and how often it occurs
- Their age
- Their gender
- Their own ways of coping
- Their role within the family
- The availability of/their relationship with the non-abusing partner
- Other role models/support available.
Research in this area has shown that children may suffer a wide range of both physical and emotional effects as a result of domestic violence. The impact that violence has on children’s lives may be divided into four main areas:
Possible effects on the child
- A whole range of feelings, including fear, anger, shame etc
- Powerlessness to change the situation
- Inability to concentrate
- Confusion
- Eating/sleeping disorders
- Nervousness and tension
- Frightened
- Quiet and withdrawn
Effects on the child’s relationship with parents
- Confused feelings
- Torn loyalties
- Guilt
- Resentful (towards mother or father)
- Constantly trying to please
- Becoming invisible
- Aggressive towards mother or violent partner
- Disobedient
- Disrespectful (to either parent)
Effects on the child’s relationship with others
- Becoming secretive about family life
- Lack of trust
- Poor communication skills
- Attention seeking
- Aggressive
- Unable to develop healthy relationships
- Difficulties with friends
Long term effects
- Educational and personal development affected
- Suspicious of opposite sex
- Constant fear of repetition
- Repeated cycle of violence
- Problems at school
- Lack of self esteem
- Anger and bitterness
Some children may not show any negative signs at all, in fact some may even show positive signs such as a sudden improvement in school work.
You should never guess or assume how children have been affected by domestic violence.
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How to help your children
One of the most effective ways to help your children is by keeping yourself safe. Throughout this web site we have given you information on how to do that.
Talk to your children. Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for the behaviour of your partner.
If you choose to stay in a refuge our Childworkers provide support and activities for children. Refuge can be a very positive experience for children. They are safe, they have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs, they can talk about their experiences to each other and they can begin to understand that they are not alone. Children can be helped to come to an understanding of their situation.
Support is also provided for children and young people whose mothers are using the outreach service.
If you need support and information about your experiences and how your children may be feeling, contact our Resource and Support Centre in Belfast, on (028) 90 666049.
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Myths about domestic violence
Myth: Domestic violence doesn’t really happen in Northern Ireland
Reality: Domestic violence is a worldwide problem that affects women throughout the world.
In the UK (including Northern Ireland) 1 in 4 women will suffer domestic violence at some point in their life.
Myth: Domestic violence only happens in problem or low income families
Reality: Men from all walks of life, all educational backgrounds, all religions, all income levels abuse. There is no typical abuser. In Women’s Aid we support women from all social backgrounds. Many of these women have partners who are successful businessmen, politicians and other professionals.
Myth: The violence can’t be that bad or she would leave.
Reality: Domestic violence is a crime. It is always bad and always wrong. In our section on ‘What is domestic violence?’ we explain the types of domestic violence and the effects it has on a woman and her child/children.
For anyone, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. An abused woman’s ties to her partner still may be strong, and she may still hope the violence will end. If a woman is financially dependant on her partner she may not have the financial means to provide for herself and her children. The prospect of poor housing, poverty, family pressure, religion, or lack of information about her options, are all reasons why a woman will stay.
Research has shown that leaving a violent relationship is often the most dangerous time for a woman. (Daly & Wilson (1988) Homicide, Aldane Gruyter)
Overall however, a woman should not have to be in a position to leave a relationship as a result of domestic violence. Instead of asking women why they stay, we should be asking men why they continue to abuse.
Myth: Alcohol and drugs are the main reasons for domestic violence.
Reality: Alcohol and drugs do not cause domestic violence, although they are often used as excuses. There are men who drink and use drugs who never abuse their partners. On the other hand, there are men who abuse when they are sober.
The root cause of domestic violence is social and cultural attitudes towards women. Until that is dealt with, domestic violence will continue to be an issue.
Myth: Domestic violence doesn’t happen to young people
Reality: Young women are affected by domestic violence in increasingly growing numbers. In the year 2003/04 18.5% of women staying in refuges in Belfast and Lisburn were under the age of 24.
A report published by the British Medical Association Review in 1998 revealed that young women aged between 16 and 29 are at the greatest risk of experiencing domestic violence.
If you are a teenager or young person, have a look at the Youth section on this website.
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Facts and figures about domestic violence
- Across the world, violence against women causes more deaths and disability among women aged 15 to 44 than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents or war. (Heise, Pitanguy and Germain, World Bank Discussion Paper 225,1994)
- 5% of health years of life are lost world-wide by women because of domestic violence. (Social Services Inspectorate 1996)
- On average two women die every week at the hands of partners or ex-partners (Criminal Statistics (1992) Home Office)
- In the UK 1 in 4 women will suffer domestic violence at some point in their lives
- Women who are physically abused report physical injuries on average four occasions during a twelve month period. (Jayne Mooney (1993) The Hidden Figure: Domestic Violence in North London, Middx University Centre for Ciminology)
- 60% of 127 women resident in refuges in Northern Ireland experienced violence during pregnancy. 13% lost their babies as a result. (Monica McWilliams and Joan McKiernan (1993) Bringing it out in the open)
- In 90% of incidents involving domestic violence, the children are in the same or next room. (Hughes 1992)
- The 2000 British Crime Survey found that less than one in three (31.3%) of victims of domestic violence reported the incident to the police. Those who did not report domestic violence to the policy said in four of five cases that ‘privacy’ was the main factor in keeping the incident from police attention.
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